The Onion hosts the best horoscopes

The Onion has been posting horoscopes on their site.

Accidents often lead to new and exciting discoveries. This week, get ready to discover how one moves around without the use of his legs.

Losing a limb can be a trying and traumatic experience, but you'll be an expert at it by the end of the week.

They still keep the idea behind a horoscope. With Aries, as the two above are, they stick to how Aries are a bit reckless. Here's Feb 12.

A bouncing baby boy will enter your life this week, before shooting across the floor, ricocheting off the kitchen counter, and flying straight out the window again.